Weddings

So no shit, there I was, inside a Catholic church, surrounded by very devout folk celebrating the Sacrament (definitely capital “S”) of marriage.  In Latin.

Now I enjoy Latin as much as the next guy, unless we include as the next guy the folks who were in that church that afternoon.  They absolutely love it.  But that’s another story.  This story is about the wedding, and more generally, weddings.  Well, actually it's not, but that's where we'll start.  Weddings are almost always delightful experiences, and this one was not an exception.  It was the first wedding I had attended in quite some time where I was not the officiant, and it was pleasant to just watch.

Weddings speak volumes of people’s values and interests.  A wise friend once told me that weddings are the only time in a couple’s life that they can stand up in front of their family and friends and say “This is who we are!  This is what we want to be!”.  It is a shame to squander that opportunity, and, bottom line, I think people almost never do.  A quick trip to Vegas may well reveal that, for that couple, stepping quickly into the future is more important than a nod to older traditions or relationships.  A brief civil ceremony followed by a serious party says volumes about the priorities and expectations of a couple.

The first wedding I officiated was that of my niece.  We spent quite a bit of time working on exactly what they wanted to say, and how they wanted to say it.  It included elements of her groom’s Jewish traditions, as well as elements that reflected her own rather unusual upbringing.  We spent a lot of time on the vows.  This is, to me, is what it is really all about. What, exactly, are you promising to each other?  Everything else - the dress, the centerpieces, the seating arrangements, the DJ - is commentary and window dressing.  They are grand fun, but the vows are where the meat is.

Over many weddings, I’ve seen vows go all over the place.  In my own wedding, we included a vow to “forgive, and to accept forgiveness”, which has been very nice to have had in writing and on the record.  I like vows that make a statement about the personalities, histories, and dreams of the couple.  For one wedding we incorporated words from pop standard songs, and in another, there was a poem about dinosaurs.  The wedding yesterday used traditional vows, with no apparent modifications at all, and that too was a statement.

Statements at the beginning of an adventure are important, and sometimes even inspiring.   A coach giving a pep talk before a game, the christening of a ship, even a preamble to a constitution are statements of what we desire, what we hope, what destination we wish to travel towards.  They are full of hope and expectations of success.  Often the hoped for outcome is realized - but not always.  The statistics are clear - half of the teams playing the game will lose,  In around half of the marriages, the couple do part before death. Despite what your AYSO coach may have taught you, life is not all orange slices and Capri Sun, and not everybody gets a cookie, a trophy, a recording contract or their own TV show.  Sorry if I’m the first to mention this.

There are, however some extraordinary victories. Today is Fathers Day.  It is an interesting holiday, often lost in the more intense and particular celebration of graduations.  The old joke, back when phone calls were expensive, was that more long-distance phone calls were made on Mothers Day than on any other day, while Fathers Day saw the most collect calls.  Nowadays, with free phone calls, email, texting, and social networks, one can see a different phenomena - the public tribute.  Looking at FaceBook, one can see person after person posting a note, a picture (or substituting a father’s picture for their own profile), a thank-you - something to honor their fathers.

These are statements and reflections not at the start of a relationship, but often decades into it, or  after it has ended with the passing of the father.  These are statements and proclamations of success, of values passed on, hope fulfilled, of destinations reached.  None of these comments say that the journey was without its jolts and hiccups, but they express the gratitude and the satisfaction, nearly to a person, of having “the best Dad ever.”  This is good, and I hope that everybody who is, who has had, or  who has found a father can see in this a recognition that in difficult enterprises, over many years, despite setbacks and resets, if we can hold on, we can hope to be seen in the end though loving eyes.  Capri Sol et aurantiaco crustae indeed.  Pax.